PS 3523 
I .E37 S7 
11913 
' Copy 1 



^4^^^^ 



r 



"THE STATUE OE LIBERTY" 



A TABLOID EARCICAL GOIvIEOY 



IE 



THREE ACTS 



BY 



6, .^^l 






MIROB" LEEEIITGWELL 



COPYRIGHTED 1913 



BY 



ALEX BYERS 



NOTE 

Under tlie new copyright law the rights of production of a play- 
are not secured by the pixrchaseof a manuscript of it and 
copying of a copyrighted play and sale of copies of it, are 
offences punishable "by fine and if done wilfully, by imprisgnmeit 
Eor manuscripts of this play and rights to produce it, apply to 

CHICAGO MAmSCRIPT CO., 
431 U. Clark St. , 
CHICAGO, ILL. 






iCID 34(ill 
"He*. I. 



"THE STATUii OF LI2KRTY. " 

A TalDloicL Parcial Come.i.y in Three Acts 
By 

i.IiiOlI Li';P?I IffV/KLL, 



Cast, 

Alonzo Jenkins A young sculptor. 

Jack Trip ..ho li<^6 on his ^its, 

Willi'.jn Stageers Y/ho cha^gad ^lkT^,na-:e . 

Imogens A California heii^^^ 

Cjm'thia Tha famous cataleptic of ths 

agas , 



Scene: — Alonzo 'sstudio* 

Tirae included in action, one hour. 



oooOOOOOOOooo--- 



An apartraeftt in Cynthia Trip 
studio set. 



Act First. 

rooming house. Sculptor's 




EXPLAIIAT I OH 



(1)' Arch "backed hy interior backing. (2) Sot door io"bliqued 
L.U,E, int=^rior backing. (3) set aoor obliqued R.U.E. 
Interior' bacjcing. (4) vrindow at back of L. of CV-- Kxterior 
backinr. (5) Couch dom l.C. (6) Table anr. dhair^dovjn R.C. 
(9) Modeling tabl e vdth scuiptor'r- modf-ling tools., ;,^'!S^£ts, 
Ghisel3, etc, Lunps of cla3^ (8) "c:xterior backing>A' T , 
E hinc-. arch 1, is a square pede;=tal, painted -J-ite. step up '^ 
same. Decorate ^cene I'ith bu^ts, n^^c'raiion ; , planter figures, 
aim^ , hands and feet' etc, jndian clmbs , foils, boxing gloves;- 
on back of chair L.C. hangs a loud smoking jacket and gez cap. 
A -;hite nod-l- of torch a- used by Libert:^ Knlight'.ning th:- Y/orid 
is on table 7, 



oooOOOO- 



Oooo 



1-e 

Act 

At Rise:' — CjTithia diccov r-^d in chsAr L. of table - arm chair. 
Jack in shirt sleeves is paci ig up and dovn stage L* Cynthia 
wears loose flor.ing rohe . She is under-cr^csed for statue 
•cdiich should not be burlesqued in raake up. The criticisms of 
Staggers ar^ supposed to be inspired by ma^lice and not justified 
by appearance cf statue. Staggers ovm raake-up can be as freak- 
ish as actor chooses after he is placed on pedestal, 

Ja ck' 
This business don't pay, 

Cjmthia. 
"Well, I should say not. 

Jack 
We must get bora- money so eway - but how? 

Cjmthia 
Have 3^ou ev^r thou^t of going to work? 

Ja ck 
Work? Haven't I work;-^d everybodj?" I know? 

Cynthia 
That's just it, you'd bett-r turn over a nev/ leaf. 

Jack 
Whatj And work somebody I don't knov/? 

Cynthia 
I am sper.king of phj'-sical labor. 

Jack 
What - a man with a head like mine? 

Cynthia 
Jack,' JackJ They could onlj^ turn billiard balls out of your solid 
ivory cranium. 

Jack 
That's a pretty thing for you to say to your little brother, 
when our busted condition is all your fault, 

Cynthia CV. 

My fault? ^^•'^l. 

Jack ^^^/r> 

Sure", it luas your shingle on th.^ front door that 'p^^v^^/i^ this 
hole, "Madane C^nithia - The- Great Sa,bylonian ©eeres"§' ;?. rey;^l = 
the past, present aad future. Reunites 1he parted - gives/ ^ 
advice on the stock market - discovers buried treausre. Consult 
at once the peerless cajjaleptic of the ages," 

Cynthia 
Well, it strike me that's a pretty?- good shingle. 

Jack 
It ien't v^ry good for a lady v/ho lets out furnished rooms in a 
select neighborhood. We can't combine the two businesses and 
noT/ the rooms have noboc.y in th^m, 

Cynthia 
ITobooy? ¥/hy, we have nothing in th-^m, Jack, The installment 
man took nverything away thio morning - all th^^ furniture. 
They started to strip this apartment also , althou^ I assured ■ 
them that the things \/er?; Tr, Jenkins ov.n personal effects here, 
Thf^y broke his big statue to pieces, ti-j'-ing to move it just as 
he camf= in and the language he used reminded me' of the tine we 
traveled v;ith old Doctor Slacks' covn salve shov/. 

Jack 
(Impatiently) Don't dig up the pasti I suppose now we'll lose 
Jenkins , 

' Cynthia 
I shouldn't wonder. He threatened suicide , I advised him to 
consult the spirits and he said he would; and. he just sent' out 
for a bottle of Scotch Yihiske3^ and retired to his bed-room. 

Jack 



2"E 

Ja ck 
"IhatiS in there? (Pointing R) ire shall not die aloneo I will 
go mth hira,, (Ruchc'c off R, door) 

Cynthia 
I f/ish ^--ou both a happj'- ouicide^ That's the way with- men „ 
They get dead broke, th^n the^r v/aiit to get dead drunk. (Bell 
sounds outside) Th-ere's the bell, j suppose soneone v/ants to 
ccnsult th^- S'^eress, Thej- can, 'I'll go into a trance imi^ediatel; 
if they show me some real mon^j'", (Exits L»U,E. Re-enter Jack 
with v±Liske3'- bottle, which he holds out of reach of Alonzo 
Jenkins who chases him on) 
' Alonzo 
Give me that bottle „ 

Jack 
Ho, 3'-ou shall not flirt with the demon „ This is vile stuff „ 

Alonzo 
It isn't, I paid a dollar anj^ a half for it. 

Jack 
Afljl liquor is vile. Don't - don't - I b'g of 3^ou - blast your 
young life - blight 3-our career] Thisk of your future] Don't 
cpoil vihat might have, been a bri^t finish 9 I implore you] 
(Takes drink from bottle) 

Alonzo 
I'll make jov. think of 3'-our own finish if you don't give up my 
bottle, 

Ja ck' 
My finish doesn't matter^, I am but th? plaj^thing of fate - 
the sport of destiny - likely 1 be bloiim off of this mundane 
sphere at any minute, 

Alonzo 
¥?11, I'm not going to "Blow ^ou off" to any of ray booze. 

Jack 
Think of tiiaat you have before you, 

Alonzo 
I'm trj-^ing to forget it » (Takes bottle away from Jack, places 
it on table) ^O^ 

Cynthia - - ^ ^tf^ 

(Re-finters) H-'-.re is a t^aegram, Mr,. Jenkins, (Hsrfclf ^hY^Aele- 
gramo ) ^-^ 1/?; 

Alonzo ' ^ ^4Sv/^^ 

A telegram] Oh misery, I dread to open it, '''*^ 

Jack 
(Advancing) Let me open it. It nay be mone3r, 

Alonzo 
Away] (Opens t^-legram, reads it)Ah, as I feared, I am loat] 
I am lost] (Pal"" 5 in seat, drop.i telegram, C3Tithia picks it up, 
Alonzo buries his face in his hands) 

Cynthia 
(Reads) " am c oning' T.jith Staggers this afternoon to inspect 
3'-our work. I-m-o-gee." 

Jack 
Oh Gee? XJhy Oh Gee? 

Alonzo 
Imogenel Iriogene her name is - you lap eared dcnkey. 

Jack 
But she sa3-& she's coming with "Staggers." 

Alonzo 
What of it? 

Jack 
¥/ith "Staggers," Does the la 63' drink? 

Alonzo 
Staggers is an old dog in human shape, pe is the villain \&io 
stands between me- and m3i^ dream of happinec^s. He is-th-^; guardian 
of ray souls' idol, lie pret-nds to be a connosieur. 



3-E 

Jack 
What sort of "con?" 

Alonzo 

An art connosieur, Iraogene is beautiful, affectionate anC^ ac- 
conpliahed, 'She is heiress to an iraraense fortune and I w^jit 
to marry hfr. 

Jack 

I wouldn't mind marrj-ing her m3'self„ 

Alonzo 
"Staggers", her guardian ohjects to me - accuse? n of lack of 
genius in raj^ art - clai.fiis i must demonstrate it « I oe-ne vou 
see, is fron California, ^ ' ^ 

Jack 
And I suppose Staggers is from ""liscourio 

Alonzo 
Ey the terras of her grandfather's will, should Iraogene mari-y 
anybooy vathout Staggers » consent and approval, h-'r fortt^ne is 
to revert to a home for sup-jrannuated forty-niners- Fer P-rand- 
father xvas a forty-niner and this Staggers wor ed himself "into 
the old man's confidence and trust, Imogene loves me, i -^aved 
her life at the risk of my oivn. 

Jack 
YOU did? 

Alonzo 
I also saved Staggers' life at the saae time. 

Jack' 
That was careless of 3'ou, you were too heroic,, 

' Alonzo 
He hated me for it, k^ wishes to marry Iraogene himself „ 

Cynthia 
^' Lfr^'^^^® Staggers y/ouIc, ai^iarove of himself as a husband - 
ohe "thick plottens." 

Alonzo 
I brought it to an issue though, re said - could I show him a 
btatue of my o\.n- proauction on thich was expended my ovm- work 
he ,;ould consent. ¥/eii, i prepared for this vi^^it to-dav I ' 
obtained that cast those furniture men sras.shevc this morning of 
"Liberty -nlightening the o.ld." <-'q ^ 

But that wasn't j'-our ovm v/ork. '*'*^r ''■'V>^ 

Alonzo '^^J^^T* 

Didn't I work its owner to g-t if •^t'* A>f 

Jack ^^r^ 

Jorgiv- me, Pal, you're one- of ua after all. But h-- could 
tell it was a plaster cast. 

Alonso 
His eyes are queer - he's half blind. 

Jack ■ 

Oh yss, ,,a is "blind Staggers," I see - he's a dicease, 

Alonzo 
V/orsei T/orvel I wish I vjas dead. 

Jack 
I have an idea. (Pause) Yhat will ^rou do for ray -ister and 
raj^self if v/e help you out? 

Alonzo 
Hot,- can you help me out? 

Jack 
2y reproducing Liberty Kngli^tening thf; World J 

Alonzo 
Impossible J 

Jack 
llot at all^, IJhen we were with old I'irk rack':- com slave show, 
Cynthia aiia I appeared nightly in out great statuar:y' sjact as 
livmg replicas of Greek and Roman art. I did the "I>/ing Gladia 

^'"vn" ti^^ clefying the Lightening" - "Hercules leaning on his 
club" - "The Fighting Gaul J " 



4-E 

A^-onzo 
I can understand yoxxr "gall" all right, -Put how coulc: yoM do 
the others ?/ith your shape? 

Jack 
n=!Ver mind about ny shape, I've lived on it all Tay life„ 

Alonzo 
Sut r.horri did Cynthia do? 

Jack 
Y^liom didn't she do? Kv-rybody ghe got a chance to do,, if yon 
mean v^hom did she represent - "Venu?" - "Dianna" - "Juno" - 
"Psyche " - "Helen of Troy" - "Finerva of ^"uscatine" - "Olga 
of Otturawa" - "Lillian Russ'el" - "Mrs. Parkhurst" - and "Lydia ■ 
Pinkham" - all witla old Dr„ T'fack , s com plasters on their toes„ 

Alonzo 
I should have thought the police r/ould have interfsred„ 

Cynthia 
They did, but oio. T!ack us;^d to hand th'^m some of his "salve" and 
we slipped awayc 

Jack 
¥ell , what do you say? 

Alonzo 
It's a desperate chance, but I'll take it „ 

Jack 
Good and x^at do we get to assist in the game? 

Alonzo 
If you succeed, I rill give you -- (Pause) ■ 

. Jack and C3Tithia 
Yes? 

Alonzo 
I will give you my undying gratitude „ 

Jack 
That's ver^' good of you, but hov^ rauch in dollars and cents? 

Alonzo 
I have only a few dollars and I haven 1 1 any cents , 

Ja ck 
That is- -^ident, ¥/ell, we'll cut out the pennies and take the 
dollars. How manj'- have you in your inside pocket? 

Alonzo 
About fifteen. 

Jack 
i'ork them over, 

Alonzo 
"Why, that will break me „ 

Jack 
You'll get used to that if you travel mth me. ■ i am broke al- 
most alvays except on occasions, I meet a boob, Corae acroasj 
Come on, conie on J (Snapping fingers) 

Cynthia 
I wm't make up ujitil 3^ou produce. Come on? Come onj (Snaps 
fingers) 

Alonzo 
7Ihat? Do you have to be bribed to bring tv/o lovine; hearts 
together? 

Cynthia 
Sure ""'likej 

Alonzo 
I haven it shovm you my darlings picture, I have it here on a 
postal card. 

Cynthia • - 

I'd rather you'd show ne the Indiaa head on a five dollar bill„ 

Alonzo 
(Produces photo card) S^-e how beautiful she is. Y/feuld you 
break her heart? 

Jack 
I'll '.reak somebody's back if we don't get action soon. 



5-E 

CjTithia 
(Looks at picture, shrisks) OhJ (Goes into fit of hj'starics) 

Jack 
"What's the }natter? 

C3mthia 
Ch, th^ scoundrel-J The scoundrfilj It's he! I'd know those 
liiiskers anjmhere, I l<now therij I knov^ them] 

Jack- 
miiskers.1 \'?hat v^fciskersl (Cynthia shrieks, \mves card up and 
dO¥/fc, walks too and fro) 

Alonzo ' 

she iiiu;t mean Staggers, He hac long ride 'iiisle rs ^en'we 
xv^re taken in that group, but he's shaved them off noWa 

Cynthia 
Hs is "Staggers", eh? Hsnwas "Pitts/' 

Jack 
Humpli, I s«e - "Staggers" after "Pitts." The Staggers should 
cane first. Z-^ut ve are wandering from the points Coine across 
\.ith the "siraoleons ." (Snaps fingers) 

Cynthia 
No, let him keep hib dirty money, l^^nat I do , I'll do for re- 
venge and not for pay, I'll stretch his heart strings ofe> my 
blooming lyre and play a devils dance threon. Sconiorjs - 
tarantulas - and centipedes shall banquet on his aged lirer. 
Oh, I' shall give him a bad half hour. Oh - on to the v/ardrobe 
trunk.' (Grabs up the white washed torch) "Heaven has no rage 
like love to hatred turned, ITor Hell a fur^^ like a woman scorned- 
(E::its through curtains R,U) 

Jack 
We'd better hu n-y up with the stage setting if T.e expect to give 
this showo Cjnithia means business , Say you, Alonzo Jenkins, 
what aid you show us that picture for? Do you knov. vqu queered 
me out of your fifteen d-ollars' p^evenge is all right, but it 
con't buy bread and beef, you had better get on A-our sculptors 
blouse and get the artistic atriospi- ere. I r-iyself will wear 
your embroidered jacket and fez. (Changes to Jacket and cap) 
There! (Strikes attitude) How do I look? 

Alonzo • ^ 

you look iike a cigarette sigi, '''^y&s 

Jack '^V-,^ ^/q 

You. re jealous] iTow, rem-mber I am a patron of ■ the'^i'rt'^^r 
has paid you -Qiousands of dollars for your work. You 'm%*i:a, 
ne prince Zekachewsky, '^^xf. 

Alonzo 
Prince viiat? 

' Jack 

Zekach-wsky, I arafro-- the P; Ikans and am worth millions, 

Alonzo 
Look here, l can't pronounce that name. 

Jack 
llhat - "Zekachewsky?" Y,r-ll, if you can.t pronounce it - 
sneeze it. And understand ri^t now , if you expect this affair 
to be carried to a successful t'-rnination, you must follow rny 
lead in everything and ob^y orders, Y/e must work together 
tc foil this old fortune hunting schemer and marry Ui e girl 
ourselves, 

Alonzo 
Y!e marr^- the girl? 

Jack 
I'm speaking paregorically -■ v/e are partners, 

Alonzo 
Hot in Qi^g^ne, 

Jack 
Certainly not. I'm not suggesti-ig any poly?..idrous arrangement. Of 



6-E 

cmrse the j-oung lady will choose the one sh.s likes the most 
to give her hand and fortune, 

Alonzo 
That's air ead;: settled. She likes me the mostc 

Jack 
She has not yet met rae_. Still this is absurd. W© must not 
count our chickens he'^ore they are hs.tched, 

Alonzo 
I object to Iraogene being characterized as a clicken by anyone 
and especially by ;rou, TTr. jack Tip. 

Jack 
prince Zekach^virsky , if you please. (Bell rings) Ah, the belli 
Get into your cage, put on your blouse - rumple up your hair, 
(Gives Alonzo dr3^ shampoo) Assume a x^rapt expression! 

Alonzo 
But I'm not rapped! 

Jack ' 

I'll rap you if you den » t obey, -Get in I Get in I Kven if you 
are no artist, pretend to be one, (Pushes him off R) Nov/ if 
you come out before the ph3'-chological moment, I will strip off 
your mask bef-ore your lacy love and expose you for "ch^ impos-ter 
that you are. (Goes up. puts his head through curtains R„UJ 
Hurry up the Tihit-- nash, Cynthia. (Goes do^m to table, starts 
to ti,ke long drink, sell rings again. Tak e? bottle from lips) 
YOU are entirely too previous with that- bell. That "shot" hasn't 
touched, the bull's eye yet. (Exits L.U.E. Alonzo steals out 
R. , gra'';s bo ttle) 

Alonzo 
I liks his nerve a I m&h I had it „ (Takes drink) 

■ Jack 
(Outside) Certainlyl This is the abode of jenkins-, the genius. 
Comie , I will conduct 3^ou to his "sanctum sanctorum," Take my 
arml 

Iraogene 
(Outside) Thank you, sir. 

^lonzo 
it i& she - she - I like his nerve, (Exits R. cari-ying bottle. 
Enter Jack L.U.E. He leads Inogene on v/ith grand air. Stag- 
gers, a n^r sighted peppery old individual follows) 

Jack 
(Looks around mysteriously, looks under table, behind articles 
of furniture, opens trunk, shuts it) t is evident he is 
not here . . ^ 

Staggers 
Whois not here? 

Jack 
Tjy friend Alonzo„ Fov.ev^r, 1hat i^ not strange, y-^ is probably 
practicing the disappearance act, jtb is eccentric,' my friend 
Alonzo. jje has been studying P'indoo magic of late and has 
succeeded in making himself quite invisible at times. 

Staggers 
At all times to me. I never could see him. 

Imogene 
Invisible? Then aren't we to see him? 

Jack 
B^- CQi^orted. -j-f hie out^r shell is not here, he may be x/ith 
us still in spirit. 

Stagg-rs 
(Sniffs) Yes, I smell the §airito. 

Jack 
Ah, very good, very good. I'll acce 't tlie hint. You and I will 
have a drink if the j^oung lady don't mind. 

Staggers 
Sir, I don't drink. 



7-E 

Jack 
(Starts, then shakes head imcredulously) you - doriit - drink ? 

Staggers 
I don it drink b-:rcau5e I dm ' t drink, ^esides, I signed the 
pledge j-ears and yPSLVB ago and if tha,t isn't reas en enouf;,h, I 
may infoiin you, sir, that i juat had a drink before wa came 
here. 

Jack 
Your excuse is ac'cepted. 

Staggers 
I never offer excuses , sir« 

Jack 
I see you are wi Jiout excuse. 

Stagg'^rs 
Of course if ^^qu insist on forcing me to take a drink — 

Jack 
I ii!Duldn»t "be guilty of such a breach of good ras-nners. 

Staggers 
I 'kVDuld be. obliged to pass over that and take a drink, tir. 

Jack 
ijo , far be it f.on me to help you dig yc^ur dri,inkard's grave. 

Staggers 
\'!ha.t^& that?- Drunkard. Tho's a drunkard? I can, handle it ro 
let it alone, I-'ll prove it to you» I'll take a drink nov/ 
just to show 3'"ou, 

Jack 
(Motions to table) Help your e elf] 

Staggers 
(Crosces R. , ercaraines table with hie. glasses) He.lp myself? 
He3p in.3'-3elf to v/hat? There's nothing Iiere, Lookj 

Jack 
A true T^entucky g'-^ntlenan al^.a^^s turns his back -h^-n hi? ur-st 
is at the decanter. 

„ Imof.ene , 

And are you from entucki?-, Mr - ■'^"'r — ? 

Jack 
ITot "T!:r ," I am prince Zekachewsky of the palfegga and — 



Staggers ^^-^^^ 

Say, am I going to get that drink or not? ■^/ 'G/ 

jack '^f ^7* 

(Tunis) ^Ihy, there v^ts a bottle there but it hac- ditaj^^ 

I mo gene 
Disappeared?' Like T'Tr, j-enkins. 

Staggers 

(Sarcastically) I suppose thry cdsappeared together, (Sits 
in arm chair) 

Irao.;ene 
(Indignantlir) ]'-r. Staggers] Ycu r insmnuation against Alon^j's 
habits is raalici:uSo 

Jack 
¥/hat do you call this old man? 

Imogen e 
Staggers, Prince. 

Ja ck 
Stagg-^rs, eh? Staggers - ahv-.-I ( Sign if i cant IjO 

Stagger;^ 
Yes, Staggers, ¥/hat of it? (Gong and glass crash) 

Jack 
nothing, sir. 2ut let me warn you.. You are sitting in the 
-^n chan t =; d chai r . 

Staggers 
^-sn chan t e ^^ cha i r ? 

Jack 



8-E 

Jack 
YS'S, we call it the chairof Truth. Anjrone vsho occupiss that 
chair and t'=lls a li?-, he is diicoverfid irainediately iDy the 
"El'^ct" of TJaich I am one and retribution quickly follows hinia 
So if you must lie, dontt sit in that chair. 

Staggers 
Oh, fiddl'--.3tickoI 

Jack 
You rrB.y have powRrful reasons for concealing 3?-our identity, 
hut, hewarel 

Stagg^r:^ 
Why, Toy nan is Staggers. (Gong effect '■•nd crashouts ide. 
Staggers jumpy up and exPTnine-i chair) 

Jack 
Aha I 

Staggers 
I've hau enough of t.'-^is, Cora.-.-, iriogene, let's get out. 

Imogen e 
Go if you' like, I mean to stay. I vv nt to see Alonzo, He 
expects me« 

Jack 
That's Viiiat they^all say, 

Imogen e 
All? 

Jack " • 

Yes, all the young ladies vrho visit Mr, Jenkins - his models, 
admirers, etc. 

Imogene 
And has he many? 

Jack 
Hundreds . 

Alonzo 
(Off stage) Say, cut that out. 

Jack- 
He io certainlj' a kill^-^r, I could t-^'ll you a lot about 

(Gong and crash as before) but he has probkbl;- come back to 
earth by this, I T.dll tell hin you are here, (^ijxita R) 

Staggers '^'/^•■. 

Y.'hat sort of a place is this anjdaow? L--t'- o t^.ck'' -■^. the 

hotel. '^<^l^^^ 

Imogsne . ^X ^ '. /, 

?/e are here to see the statue and we'll s--e it. ReTriemb^r.^§M.i 
agreement. ^ 

Staggers ■ 
I am sure the fellow's a f akf- . There isn't any statue and that 
friend of his is either a lunatic or a confidence man. 

Imogene 
H- is a prince. Didn't you hear him say co? 

Staggers 
I .on't believe all I hear -nd 3-ou rauotn't either, 

Imogene 
I con-'t, the.t is the reason; I got our agreement in black and 
H-hite, 

Staggers 
It i&ntt '. orth the paper it's written on, I \on't consent to 
you marrying anj'-one but md, I'm the only man that I as your 
guardian can conscientious!:" r.pprove of. If you marry a^nyhoCy 
else, bang go e.s your prop-:rtv" to the sup'^-rannuated f rty-nin-?. rs , 

Imogene 
lilTaer- ',:n.ll 3'ou be then? y^^r guardianship \7ill end anc" you'll 
have to look for another meal ticket* 

Stargers 
Stubborn girl I 

Alonzo 
(Ent-rs drvss'^d in blouse) Imogene J Hy fair Imogene] 



9-E 

Imogen e ' 

Alonzoi Ky mve Alonzoi (Euo, Th^y ^nbra.ce) 

iraogene 
Ah}f dearest, are vou laack on earth agai •? 

Alonzo 
Karth? Vhsn j hold 3-ou in ray anus j feel i am in H^iaven, 

imog-ne 
Oh, Alonzo, 

Alonzo 
Oh, jnogenel 

Staggers 
Oh pioklesi (Falls in ana chair) 

A4-onzo 
(Turns) Ah, th^ olcl man look8 sick. 

Staggers 
X'Jho's iick? 1*11 make 3'-ou sick in a rainut"^ ivhen j expose you, 
you fraud! Sick? i nf^ver felt >.etter in my lif?:. (Gong and 
prolonged crash) 

Stagf^ers 
(Jump- up) Baim this chair i (jack enters R. iiath bottle) 

jnogene 
Dear Alonzo, is the statv.e read;-? 

Alonzo 
I think -o, honey tug* (To jack) jstlie statue "dr^^ssec'?" 
(Viftias pers) 

Jack 
(T^^ispers) f courss, that was th^ underrtanc ing , vasn't it? 
It vasnit to'^h^ undress ?d, v/as it? (Alonzo and jack pantomim-": 
togeth'-r as if inquiring' \iTethftr C^Tithia i^on platform y?t, 
Li^ts go gradually do"'n, jfck standc "by curtaini> to v.ork 
same) 

Alonzo 
inogene-, darling;! Hot/ ;-ou shall "behold it^r ra,st''-rpxece . (T''uoic. 
America. Tlie curtains sloT;l3r part, .ho^ Cynthia made up as 
"Liberty'- -.nli^tening th- \''orld," The Stag-^^ is 5/4 '5 dark. 
Spot from side on figure. Pause) 

Iraogene 
HOW '"beautiful I Alonzo, 3'"ou are r, g"-nius , LookJ Fr, Staggers, 
look] (Staggers, puts on glasses) 

Staggers • 
\7hatl Oh, Tdaat a monstrosit^rj Do 3'-ou call that a otatue? 
Itrs a freak, t has no more shape than a cigar store Indian. 
I am surprised at' y -ur eff r^nter^?-, air, in inviting ut to- gaze 
on such r.n object. Look at that fonn - look at that face, 
you'll hav-. to chisel off th ? nose to- make it human. It is 
evident that raar'ble woman has no legs, Tak^' it away - "break 
it up - burj'- itl ^ 

Imogen f- 
Do you knov- what j'-ou ar? ta,lking about? 

Staggers 
of c'our.--e i know. There v/as nev^r aiij-lhing human looker like 
that^ I'll swear it as sure as v^ naia^ is Sta.jers, 

CjTith ia 
(In hollovj tones) your name is not Staggers, 

Staggers 
ih., Tshat? 

Cjsnthia 
I know yo\x, "Bill Pittz" though you're lost 3-our "vhiskers. 

Stages rs 
v/ha. 1 1 Th -; thing ' c- a live , 

Jack 
"t/hat's alive? 

Staggers 
That thing, Dirn't 3rou h'^ar it p'^ak? 



10«E 

jack 
speak? C rtainly not, 

Alonzo 

How- can a leglsss, marble raonstrositj'- speak? you are cra.zy 
sir, 

Imogene 
I've knovm h-^^'s crazy for son? time, 

Stagg--rs 
I tell jrou I heard it, I heard it. 

Jack 
It was the voice of jsonsci'^nce you heard on accoiint of your 
vicked falsehoods. y<^u. venerable liar I 

Alonzo 
You antique Annan ias. 

Iraogene 
YOU superannuate. falaefierJ 

Staggers 
I'll find out about this. (Going towards Cynthia) 

Jack 
What are you going to do? 

Staggers 
I'm going to touch that statue and find out if it ' s a live one. 

Jack 
I do all the touching in this establishment, (Int -rcepts- hiri. 
They struggle. Staggers breaks aw?.y f j-om him) W- H then I Keat 
your fatej (Staggers rushes up t o Cjmthia iho knocks Mm doxm 
with torch) (E - falls Icno-k^d out at foot of ped?---:tal. Gong 
anc. cra-h kept up for Curtain) 



CUR T_A_I II 
II II II II II II II 



oooOOOOOOOooo- 



1-W • 

Act Second. 

Sarae set, ton jninutes later. 
At Rise:-- Staggers is discov-^recl on couch R, Jack "bencing 
over him,. Alonzo ajid inag^ne ov=^r L, togethT, r:3'T^'th.ia rtill 
laade up as statu" do^-'n C, r«^mi-john r.nci sevsra,! bottlcc.. on 
table, Stagc^^i^s crat aac ves t on chair) 

Alonzo 
re 13 ho n out no'v- a qimrt'^^r of an hour. 

Jack 
(Goes ov-":r, tak--s >/■ tch out of staggers' vest) ^-rot quite, 
only a few minutes , (Puts uatch in his ovn pock^^^^t) 

InOgene 
"Diat was an aviful blow. Suppos-' she had killed hi •? 

Alonzo 
I dcai,t vish gjTithia anjr haixi, but for our ^akes, I T.'ish she 
had, iviogsneS Love Dove I 

Iraogene 
jTy r'ng-'-l Alonzo i (Eus , Thej^- embrace) 

Cynthia 
There ain't an3'- olc'. "Dodo" going to raaka reriarks about rnj* 
shap? \/ithout him getting his, 

Jacik 
Hero coming to, Quick ^ynthia, to j'-our perch. Ronro and 
julief, hide yourself, Ve v;ill now proceed x-ith the :;,econd 
degree, (Cynathia goe; up, exito rci::: into receas closing cur- 
tains, Alonzo and inoi-;ene exeunt R) 

Staggr^rs 
(Groans) Oh' Oh' (Ri^e-.. , c,its on couch. Rub& hie head) 

Jack 
Thank Eeavn, sir, 3?-ou ' re still- alive, I feared those last 
fits v^ould hav^ carried you off-, 

Stagg^^ra 
(Suspiciously) Last \.hat? 

Jack 
"Jits" - f-i- double t-z - "fits," 

Staggers ^ 

XS that the vaj^ you bpll "fits?" ^f^V 

Jack 6 /%r^ 

Certainly, hov; do you spell it? ''^^^\>^^7* 

Staggers < ^y' /©r^ 

Th; , vhat kind of fits? ^<^& ^ 

Jack 
your kind, (Pick up d-^-nijohn) 

Stagg'^'rs 
■"..hat are you giving rie? (Indignantly'- rising) 

Jack 
I'm going to giv^ you 3'-^ur medicine, Th- c-octor said you must 
have it e-^erytln^ ycu come to and seem normal. 

Staggers 
Miati Has there been a doctor here? 

Jack 
Yea , a half dozen tiries in -Qi e last ti^-ntj- four hours. 

Staggers 
V/hat , have I been h:-re ti/ nty four hours? 

Jack 
Sure. 

Jack 
Sure 

Staggers 
Impossible, hat's the date? 

Jack 
April the first. 

Staggers 
That's to-morrov7. 



2-.E 

Jack 
Before to-morrow I'll cojvince you it's to-daj--, 

Stagg?rs 
What cii d the doctor say? 

Jack 
rs baid jrou Wf-rs suff ?ring f ron acute idopathic nania, -u-oer- 
in<..uc-d hy traunatic insanity, re sa,id vqu v;erp afflicted' 
v/ith headache. , 

Staggers 
(Peeling) H<=adaGh^? That's so. 

Jack 
Irascibility of terap-^r, confusion of thou^t': , failing- memory 
inaptitucs for business, a constant feeling of fatigue, * 

In short, his prognosis is unfavorable. 

Staggers 
Say, TTdiat sort of a doctor is she? 

Jack 
A v^rjr cheerful sort of a chap, h© took a great int-rest in 
your ward, ?ass §mogene and has a great sense of humor. There 
was a capital battle of wits betvv^^en them as you lay there 
frothing at the mouth , 

Staggers 
frothing at the mouth? 

Jack 
Yes anc. 5'-ou barked like a . og. 

Staggers 
Humph.' Did I bite anyone? 

Jack 
Ho, I reraov d your upp-r anc. lo-,er plates. I feared you- rd^t 
oTTOllov; th':ra. When I saxi/ you coming to, I replaced themo 

Staggers 
That's real kind, of you. Suppose I should break out again 
and swalloi ■ them? 

Jack 
The doftor vnC. j talked over that and v/e agreed if you choked 
to death he would be rid of a great deal of trouble. If they 
reach-d ;rour fta^iadh, it -..ould. give th?- doctor a chance to 
perform a skillful and ^■ntertaining op -ration. 

Staggers 
indeed, but feuppose i should ti-^^ ■':o bite j-ou nov/. 

Jack 
I should knock your block off vlth that indian club there. 

Staggers • 
Say, I'm going awa;^ from here, V/h ere are m;' cloth- s? 

Jack 
There's your coat and vest, but xkct the doctor- said 3'ou mustn't 
leave until h^ r^^turns v/ith some other c.octors. 

Stag/- ers 
More doctors? Say, what do Ihey v/ant to do? HOld a clinic? 

Jack 
Something like that. A postmortem - or some other little old 
thing. 

Staggers 
This doctor is a humorist. 

• Ja ck 
Well, I should sa3'-, T/fti-n 3^ou were in your paroxysm, he asked 
your narip and iraogene giggled, i-e says his nana is " taggers." 
And the doctor answered bristly the- old itiff ought to be 
called "ITittz." Th^n -jq all giggled. 

Staggers 
That's v/hat the statue called me. 
Jack 
Are you going to begin again ■&!? idea of a- statue talking? 
THhat you heard v/as the voice of conscience. 



3-E 

Staggers 
Sir, I have no conscience. 

Jack' 
That's viia.t jnogsne said. 

Staggers ■ 
The little cat] I'll fix her. (Putting on coat and v = rt. 
Feels in poclcvts) Look h'^re, have you "been h -re all the tirae? 

Jack 
Yes, except no- and then wh«n i had to run dovjn staira after 
medicine for you and refreshment for raj'-self . 

Staggers 
(Picks upderai-john, smells it) I suppose you got thi; medicine 
for me and refreshment for your-elf in the same place? 

Jack 
Yes, v4ienev-r I felt run do^^-n , I ran dov-n. 

Staggers 
Well, I find my money is all "run doA/n" to nothing. 

Ja ck 
yes, that went when I v/ent. 

Staggers 
.todwherets ray iimtch? 

/ Jack 
That 1 3 run doim. too^ I am giving it the rest cure at ray 
mother's "brotherts place around the corner. 

Staggers 
So oir, jrou are a thief. 

Jack ' 

Tjo sir, I am a financier, dining on lobster, 
• Staggers ' 

I will SKi^ose you. I "11' ^-xpose this house, j v/ill ha-^e 
you in jail ,^ou anci y^ur cc i. federate, that fake Alonzo^ 

Jack 
^/Ihat, the man \/ho saved j'-our life? 

Sta-gg' rs 
I con.t^thank hira a "bit. S-'e .hat he has brought me to. If 
he hadn't Te en a scoundr^-l , he would have saved my life and 
tak-n tile tv;o dollar bill j offeree: him, hav- thanked me and 
gone about his business, but no, he xiould butt in ^o my affairs 
and thviart me in rajr designs of marrying an heiress ju-t be- 
cause ghe.s stuck on hi^. Th-ere's iriogene? j suppose you'll 
tell me she,s "run do^n" too, 

' jack 

She has,- She and her Alonzo and the doctor all "runned dox-n" 
together. They have gone to th- court. Alonzo, tie Erave, 
and the fair jmogene are to be v/edded and then as a celebration 
the doctor and his accomplices whom vje expect axiy minute 
will declare you a hopel^iss lunatic and 3^ou mil be sent to 
an asylum. 

Staggers- 
Ulfhat? I 'a not a lunatic. 

That's what thejr all say. But v-hat does it matter? you vail 
be in time « 

Stagg-rs 

Say look here, iTiu're not/a bat sort of fellow, I knov/ you 
v/ill do anything" for money yo^'^i perjure your-elf , you'd 
sell your very soul. How j may b-. dott;-, but i hac some money 
planted that you nev^;r got on to. 

Ja ck 
Strangel I c on « t s^^ hov/ it escape, rauh' 

Staggers 
I carry it for em rg ncies. 



4-2 

Jack 
Vjhere do you carrj^ it? 

Staggers 
in ray sock. 

Jack / 

I never thou^t of searching a gentleman there, 

TjO\/, I'll give 3'-ou Ihis monf^y — 

Jacdc 
Thatts very c one i derate, jt saved me th? mortifi cation of 
taking it, 

Stagf_:ers 
on condition that you errp'ose tt-.is av.ful plot against ne. Tell 
how you. sav; me abused, hov ycu robbed me. 

Jack 
Sure. (Takes roll away from Staggers) 

Stagc^rs 
Siyear as to the oetails' of this miserable C0:i3 'iracy, sv/°ar 
that I am not a Ixmatic^ 

Jack 
Sure, Have ycu got any more mon^y in th - other sock? 

Stagg-^^rs • , 

Sw'iar and we i-lll have the "boob" Alonzo in a dungeon. 

Jack 
Sure, 

Staggers 
The d-->ceitful iraogene in a prison c^ll. 

Jack 
Sure: 

Staggers 
And you in cons i c^^ rati on of turning States' pvidmce 111 m 
mitigation get a light s'ntence on th^ islroid. 

Jack 
Sure, 

Staggers - 
Then xjb understand one anoth-r, y<^^ -ill s\ ear i am not insane. 

Jack 
Surel on- lunatic ought to do v^at he can for &ndth r. The 
only thing, how in blazes ar-^- vre ^oing to get ou^$ of^ Mj^^.o 

Staggero '^^C^^f^^T* 

\7hat»s that? VJhat is this place? *^' ^s5' /©/ 

'Jack ^fisf 

A private mad house, Wait a minute, I'm .- omg to -et -ou 
something to play with, 

Stagg-r;; 
To play 'with? 

Jack 
Y's, a f'^ath.-:r an d a little molas es . you see, you dip j'-our 
fingers in the molasses, then you grab th;. feath r betv.'een the 
thumb and finger so, (Illustrates) then -..ith th - oth-r thumb 
and finger, you pull it off , so , and then you pull it back 
again 6jid i find it vary .oothing u.hen I suffer f rcyi weak 
nerves'. 

Staggers 
Prom what I've seen of you your nerve is th=- strongest part 
of you. And you claim to be a lunatic? 

/ Ja ck 
Sure, Sane as you^ Y/hen i cone "back, I'll fight you for T,he 
lunatic title ^ 

Staggers 
IJo, no. 

Jack 
Yes, I '11' match 715^ "fits" against yours. Thii is ny ca.y to 
have them. 



5~E 

StagG^rs 
No, no. Tell me - hov/ did you cons to "be insane? 

Jack 
it \7as v/iahed on me. 

Stagfi-ers 
nishd on you? (Asi e) I'll humor hira^ (Aloud.) -riched on 
jrou? ?y v/hom? 

Jack 
■^y the marble la^y there - Cjmthia. 

Staggers 
f-ynthia? (Starts) 

• Jack ^ 

Tont-t ■b^gfri^t ".n-^dl She \'on'^t v/i&h it on :,'-ou^ There, 3 no 
need,, "^o "-fere bom foolish''^ Eut I t,,111 keep y?\xr -guiltj-- se- 
cret - the secret of your birth, --uah; KuehJ Hushi' (Mys- 
teriously) I V ill pluck you a f ather from th •■. canary's tail. 
(Exits L) 

Staggers 
(Attempts to folio , door is slarariea in hi^face an( locked)' 
oh j^ordi (Falls back) ^f I am not iTiad eoon, I will be yet. 
To think of the tre6,cher of Inogene and to thinik I planned 
to make her myr mfe, i promised to roarry h ^-r. If the "r^up'-r- 
annuated fortj'-niners" ev-r hear of this, th^y mil .- loat on 
ghioulish glee, if i could only "skid" out of here, I'd be 
"skud" in a moment, (Looks out of -./indow) fifteen fer-t dov-nj 
if I juiape d, I'd ";:r?.ak ny n- ck anc cajrage riy dignitj--, ilo use.' 
ITo use] And C3'"nthia.' ^.hat cid he mean by calling that marble 
monstrosity "cj-nthia." And I'm sure l h'eard it speak and call 
me "Fittz." Itmentioned ray alfalfas too. ^h, this is a 
hor ible dreanl I'll take another look at it, (Unpins cur- 
tains . cautiously, peeping) (Voices outt-ice ib chorus) 
Rubber! Rubber J ) (Starts') Those muit be the other lunatics, 
oh Lord, but I am n'-rvous, i beiie--^ if heid return vAth 
that f eath -r an. molasees I'd. tr^'- it. (Pull .-curtains- apart, 
disclo.-es cynthia as bef o. e , but vrith her back tumecl. Rear 
view) H'ellol Th'^iy'-^e turn«Q her around.' And they call that 
a statue, ITell , nobo«'3'- can tell me that her f'^^et are not both 
lefts, I don't like her t!urv--s any mo r"- from this vi-v/ point 
behind, than I >'id Vefore, I'll get my glasses- (Turns, f^els 
in pocket) v.h ere are theyo (Goes' over to chair by couch) 
Oh yet, ■&! 'y fell out of my pocket. (PicJ:/: up spectacles from 
chair, V/hile lie is turned, C^mthia assumes oth-rr po&ition, 
extends hand with torch, looks dov.n L.C) 

- Staggers 
(Turns, starts) ITo •! Holy mackerel; I've got them again. 
(Shouts off F) Say, hurry up .ith that f'^ath--rj (Gasps) Y.'ell, 
v;ellj This stone - onan can change any portion of her anatomy 
except h^r face, Y/hy don»t she chp.nge that? (Cynthia sticks 
h^r tongue out at him. Staggers groans, backs away) 

Cynthia 
Millie.' miliei Did you get that? 

Staggers 
Qh je s - -"Williel V.'illie]" I've got then - the "Willies" 
all right. 

C3Tithia 
Look at ne, Hav-^: you swr seen me before ? of viiom do I 
remind j'-ou? 

Humpy Turaptyl 

Vyhat - sla-.-e? 



Staggers 
Cynthia 



Staggers 
you 6Ug£e-:t the clow i in the singling shOw only you. haven't 
pants. 



Cynthia ' / 

piive me your handj yo^'" hand, I say' (Co anandingly, • k*^ 
timidly offers right hanci^ She takes it vdth her left. He 
leads hsr on tip to-' down stage) 

Cynthia ' 

(Drops his hand) TThy. j^ou » re as cold as ice. 

Staggers 
,,ou»Be not so vmrro yourself, (Shivers) 3r-r-ri 

Cynthia -' 

How- could I h:^ , p-^tri/'ied as j have been. 

Staggers 
Petrified] petrified] 

Cynthia 
Yes, at tines] 

Staggers 
Oh, you're a "stiff", ^h? 

Cynthia 
Sehold in me th e famous catal-ptic of the ages. 

Staggers 
Cat? ^Ihat kind of a cat? 

• Cynthia 
Cataleptic, I said, I go into trances that last sometimes 
for years. 

Staggers' 
j'or years? That is sometime , Don,t you fe.-l drowsy nov/? 

Cynthia 
No, I just woke up. 

Staggers 
I TJiih I could, 

Cynthia 
It v/as you tho av;ak:ened me. 

Staggers 
I'm sorrj--., go to sleep and i ^mi t do it again, 

Cynthia 
YOU can't help it, y°^ ^^- ^ soul mate of th e ages. 

Staggers 
Soul mate of the ages-? See here, I'm not as olr as that. 

CjTithia 
YOU are] You are] (Embraces him) 

Staggers 
Have it your om v©.y, 

Cynthia 
Oh, deceitful V-'illir, Pal .^ , perjured fluting i^illie.' Do 
you deny that j'-ou are ^/hat you are? Don»t my caresses bring 
back -the memories of j'ears now past? 

S targe rr 
That hugging busins.05 does ^e^n familiar an(': .-u ro ii ^or^tty 
v/ell for an "old stiff:". .~ 

CjTithia 
V,hat!S that? 

Stagg--rs 
I m-^^-.n an old cat. Say, \.hat sort of a cat die-, j'-ou pay vou 
vere? Oh yee, a cat cy a peptic, an ag^d dyspeptic cat, '^h yes]^ 
I go- ch=: r nof, I gotch--r, 

Cynthia 
Yes, Willie aadi 've got you anc v^e'll part jiomore. We'll remain 
here together. 

Staggers 
■>/Zhat , here in t?ii= riac—hou-.— ? 

CjTithia 
Ivlad-house? V/illie, j^-ou're cra,zy. 

Staggers 
Y?&, I knoT.v I am, that's -.iiy I'm here. yo\: wa.- it Ihey cau^t 
you too? 



7-^ 

Cynthia 
I vas oug up. 

Staggers 
Scoundrels! Vhy clic'ii,t th^y 1st you rest in peace? 

C^Tithia 
\7hen you mn avsay from me and went to California, I turned to 
ston^ and vas carried around the count r^^ anc- exhiJjited as the 
petrifi-sd voman, like the Cardiff giant, I i,a,s cal^ftd thr- t"u ca- 
tine V^nua, V= ceased to b^ attractions and -. er- shelved. 

Staggers 
I sea, 3rou v;ere barred on the "big tirae, 

Cvnthia 
jiry manag-r --vho by th- v;ay is my younger brother, j ck Trip, 
had me put in the family vault and onlj^ took ne t-.-nc-', yester- 
day to impersonate tlie -tatue that struck you so hard. 

Staggers 
Y;rs, you nearly knocked -ny "coco" off. I f:el it still. 

CjTithia 
Your presc-nce vanned me into lif - anc. i -ra again a living 
breathing \jomsn, ycur Cjmthia. 

Staggers 
Say, YJtiat s.ort of Z3ull is this you'r- handing ne? 

Cjmthia 
Bull? Sull? (In rising tejTip r) i:-ntt your nara-^ ^•■illiara 5'i ttz? 

- Staggers 
It was Eittz - j-es, ,.yOB it's Stagger dhng^d b}^ the California 
legislature, 

Cynthia 
Wasn't your v/ife's name Cj^Tithia Trip? lien it ■'-;^u bas-ily desert 
her? 

Staggftr^ 
I ran av/r.y when she tri =>d. to knock out my brains "tdth a rolling 
pin, yes., 

Cynthia 
I am that voman, i am your deserted bride, 

Staggere 
Pooh J She's dead and buried, 

Cjmthia 
Pooh yourself, '^he liv-s and has been rp'turr"'cted. (Chases 
him around stag^) ]?ool,. x'-ou^.d you v/ar against the infinite? 
¥ould you defjr th = omnipotent powers that can annihiliate juid 
destroy - th\t rai£=ra'-le bodj^' of thine p^ml r-ruce it to nothing- 
necS? 0^^ rouls are immortal. They have met before, in ages 
past, sev-' ral tines. 

Staggers 
I have no recollection of it, 

C^rnthia 
you were once Captain Hid, the Pirate, You vi^iit-^d " oston v^er? 
I was a raemb r of one of our best families 

Staggers 
Thej^'re all b°st families in Boston, 

C^Tithia 
You lured ne from ny happy home and i became your f o-.. rteenth 
bride. Your thirt^^nth marriac? b^ing an unfortunate one. 

Stag- • -,. 
Thirteen is a hooaoo. 

Cynthia 
I helped you' swell your pirate' store and vaded myself knee desp 
through gore. You Vi'--re then \'illiam Hid. D ny it if ;^ou 
da re ,' 

Staggers 
Look here, voman , I'll ackioTJ-ledge that I va3 ■■. illiam Tittz 
and I married cyntiila. Trip, but c-on't ycu tr;- to cha,rge ne 



8-E 

with anv "Kid" "busin^^s, 'cause it dontt g'd. Stop your 
ki'ding/ 

Cynthia 
You acknowledge th?--n helngojiy hucbano. vjho ran avsay? 

Staggers 
Ye?., yea , for th^ love of T^ike, yes, 

Cynthia 
(Shouts loudly) PolireJ Police.' Police] (Alona and Imo- 
g^ne ent-r R. Jack raade up a? copper vith fat stomach) 

OTnnps 
"What's the natter? Ihat's the matter? 

Sjrnthia 
Arrest that nan, r^y hu^^bajid, v.ho "basely deserted ne seven 
years ago« 

Jack 
"What* Oh, you Vj-retchJ Seven years desertion. Say Eo , 
i'-ou'll get the limit. 

Alonzo 
Th'^ poor -vvcnan is speaking the- truth, Ve heard hira confess, 
didnit we, Irnogene? 

Iraogftne 
We did. Oh, isn't it -,\rful? 

Jack ' 

Seven 3'- eaars , -h? You ought to have your neck broke J (xo Cyn- 
thia) '/i/ere there any children? 

Cynthia 
Twoi (Sobbing) Soohol Boohool 

Jack 
(Shakes c-,tar;g&rs) You old ratj L'-a.ving j^our \.ife along for 
seven years and her having to rai ae t".,'o childr^^in? B.ovj old 
are they? 

Irnogene 
On^ is four enc. th-r^ other tosa only to and they ar^- darlings. 

Staggers ' 
And I've Te en away ^^even ypar?. Hoop laj (Calls) ¥ai>ter, 
bring feathers anr molasses around. Give ras a^ihol-^ caa arj' 
bi nil and - cocaine coc-':tail. Kv^rj^bodj- i? "niitty," We're 
all "bugg:'." Hoop laj Hoop la J Hoop la J ('Bun>s. around stage) 
(Jur;ping on oofa, grab chair, uses it as hobhj' V^^^S'^) C-=!t- ap.' 
Get ap,' I ch:",ll"-^nge 3'ou all for th ■ big house ch?"Tpi-oa\rhip.' 
(Breaks from C^Tithia who grabc hira, gets to ^;indoH, dive& out 
head first, Cynthia clutches at the botto'is of l-is trousers, 
th-'y com'^ off in her hands. As he goes out of -ight, glas^ 
crash out.-iv -) 

Csmthia 
(flourishing trousers) "Rhat am I to do -v.ith these? 

Jack 
Put them on, Cjnithia , they belong to you. 

C_ U R T ^ !_ 1£ 
II II II II II II II 

oooOOOOOOOoro • ' 



1-E 

Act Third. 
3'ive minutes lat^r. Ss-ras s*^t. 

At Rise: — Citithia is discovered C. made up as in beginning 
of play - apparently stirring up Tiiitft wash in bucket . Standing 
on hox over R. is Staggers in \7hit0 Roinan shirt, vihite 
ti^ts, etc. Alonzo has large hite wa&h brush \hich he ajplios 
vigorouslj/- to Stagf:er: legs. jmogene is waiting with large 
pov/der rag covered m th poT;/dsred chaik c^ot.n R) 

Imogens 
Aren't you nearlj- through? I v/ant to get at him. 

Alonzo 
It is the best j can do. I rai^t apply this xli i tet-v/ash an 
iach thi-ck - the yellow in hira atill shov/- through, ^'jell , , 
get do\vnJ (Staggers itancfi apparently -dazed. Alonzo pokes him 
in stomach with brush) Get doTTn, I &: yj 

Stagger"^ 
U^J (Winchi g and doubling up) "Wiy don't you nurder me at 
once, you b\ira sculptor? (Gets dovtn from box) 

Alonzo 
There's gratitude for you and I am probably saving your life. 
You ought to ■':e glad to be ishitewashed? 

Iraog'=;ne 
(Plumps Staggers into chair, covers his face with chalk) Yes, 
W c^arling Alonzo, he ought to be glad. 

Stagg'=irs 
Oh, I've been -Kbit? wash-d before \jh.en- I was an alderman 
in Frisco. That v/as t; save rav- office, I suppose j can stand 
it to save my life, ( Imogen -^ cabs po\/der in his eye) 

Stagfjers 
Oudil B&n'd do that J 

Imofjene 
He is av;fully yellow, isn't he? T/ell, with e-nou^ whit^. powder 
on his natviralcolor, he'll seem like old Ivor;'-, 

Cynthia 
Ye-, --spf^cially frcmhis eye'^ upward - "solid ivory."- Let us 
hope Armaud val5°Bcne tintil vie^ ve finished mth him. He 
■".all think he's a statue and pa^'s hin by, 

Stat gers ^^fi>\. 

Who in blazes is A.rmand? & *^/rs 

Cynitia "^l^iP^r 

My friftnd, Ai-raand S± Duval, '^<^J' '^Sfe^ 

Staggers "^^S ^ 

Oh, he's the "gink" is he? ** 

CjTithia 
He is the gentleman Tsho ha,s vcv^.d to eat you aliv=« .^^e is 
knov^n on the big time 5,5 "Posco," H^ is at pr^^^Sent our next coo 
neighbor and he is passionatelj'- in love with me, you did B.n 
a -f ul thing, V/illie . xAien you jumped out that \;indOi/, bf- refit 
of your loTT/er garments. You have ruined my reputation forever - 
not onl;r vdth Armand , but th- hol=' n'^i^borhood saw :'qu, 
(Alonzo shakes his heaf, exitsL.) 

Staggers 
Did 3''ou tell Aniiand? ' I was your long absent husband? 

Cynthia 
I did and he ground his teeth and said - "He-, deserved all 
that's ccriing 1 hi ? Hov dare he sta;^ a-'a;'' so long? How 
doubly dare he coma back? 

Staggers 
I agree vdth riim, 

Cjntithia 
He eats a live snake ev^-rj- shot/. He swea-rs he \ixll eat you 
as an appetizer. 

Staggers 
Say, coul<;int v/- pacify thic cannibal? 



2-2 

Cynthia. 
Nothing but the sight of you weltering in your gore vri.ll still 
his road jealous3''. I wept at his feet, I implored him. He . 
called me hie "little fluttering "bird" and said, "Uever mind, 
Cynthia, you may be this monster's wife. You. soon shall be 
his widow . " Ah, Armand, has a has a most poetical nature. 

Staggers 
He must have. But say, can't this littile troubl^^ be fixed 
up? I*m perfectly v/illing to surrenci&r you to the gentleman. 

Cynthia 
(In temper)' \ii&iat? Aft°r me going t-o all this trouble to. save 
3'-ou? Hence! Hence to your pedestal,' (Points to curtains) 
Remember ;^ou are Julius Caesar, nov;, in lifeless stone. 

Staggers 
I feel more like Dennis Mudd in the stock jrards, 

Alonzo 
(Ent=;rs hurriedly) Quick PittzJ Quick if you v/ould save your 
miserable' life. Armand I>uval is coming upstairs with a knife 
that long, (Indicating long butcher's laiife) j^e is thirst- 
ing for your blood „ 

Staggers 
(Shakes with fear) Oh LordJ 

Alonzo 
(Shakes Staggers' hand) _Good-bye, oldmani In case I dcn't 
see you again alive - good lucki 

Imogen e 
&ood~bye, G-ua-^rdy dear, as you're about to die, i don't mind 
forgiving 3-ou, Alonzo and I ^rill cherish 3'-otir nemory, although 
it is a great relief to us to get rid of 3'-ou« 

Cynthia 
Farewell, Willie^ If Arrrnand discovers our plan and your mortal 
clay should l^ve this sphere mundane, you can at least revisit 
us as a spirit* At any rate, i will call 3-ou upo 

Staggers 
CaH me up? "Where in Hell do you think I'm going? you'd 
better ca U me up - any of you, if I come back, I'll bring' my 
coffin lid with me and wear it out on the whole gang of 3''ou^ 

Jack • • . . 

(Off stage) Eat 'em alive] ^:at 'em alive ^ %. 



'Alonzo "^^Jc t^^' 7a 

Quick to your place. Don't move « don't breathej ¥a3s^>'Mjf^y^ 



think jrou'^e a work of art, (Hurries staggers to platfonfi'C^ 
Comedy bus, of placing him in position^ Knter Jack made up ' 
vd.th ferocious moustache and whiskers , 'slouched hat and cloak. 
He carries long knife. As he Winters, the women scream) 

Jack 
"Where is he? "Where is tip-- scorpion? "i/^io has hissed sweet 
nothings into Cynthia'' s ear<? Produce him at once that I may 
gorge TJyself upon hiraj I will feed fat ray- ancient grudge upon 
him, 

CjTithia ' 

Oh ArmandJ Think not alviays of eating, 

' Jack 

Madami Retire at once from this bloody sightj (Flourishes 
knife) I eat 'em alive - eat 'emalivej 

Alonzo 
"What does the gentleman eat alive? 

Jack 
Snak es I 

Alonzo 
Here^ try some pickledo H'^re's a jug full, (Offers demijohn) 

Ja ck 
Thanks? H-ere's looking at 3'-ou, (Takes d.-ink) ZTow produce 
the victim^ I long to swoop to ra3'- revenge, 

C3nithia 
Oh, spare his mis-^^rable life! 



3-S 

Jack ' 

I understand rnadan - you treralil e for him« 

Cynthia 
ITo J I shudder at 3"ou. 

Jack 
Ha, ha! You je&t.* 

' Cynthia 

Not just now, I v/ouldn,-t hate you peri=h hy -the hangman' s rope. 
Oh spare him - spare himi 

Jack 
livhy ■Dhould I? 

Cynthia 
Because - Toecaus^ - he»3 not fit to live. 

Jack 
Ah, you love hira still? 

CiTithia 
ITo, I love j]^'- "back alimony. 

Jack 
(Laj-s dovm knife) Ah, you're fqlse, you're heartless - tooth- 
lecs - I ra^n truthless and make r.sal'e of that vAilch. you 
call love to him i-Jho hids the highest. In me you havp a man - 
vjho truly loves him, vho T;ill share 3^our last dollar \ath you. 
YOU are' mocking him vith a sacrifice you have not the courage 
to make, ^cur houS'^ - your horses - your gas huggies - your 
diai-aoncls and your dogs, you refuse to givis up for me. And 
Ts4iat do ^'ou retain with themo The bitter pangs of anguish and 
remofse"'which fill j'-our "breast even ?ALile it heaves heneath a 
wei^t of gems -the fix^d despair rhich sits upon that "brow 
on v.hich those diamonds look doim in mockerj^ and this is T^at 
-the man ^-"ou lov- has done for you - there ar-^ his triu- phs - 
the lages of 3^our shame I (Inuring this sp-ech, Jack grahs 
Cynthia hy throat, shak -s her from pne side of stage to other. 
She interrupts vith c :1 es of "Annandl" "MsrcyJ" t'tc, Stag- 
gers sees knife on tahle, steals doi-ri, reaches for knife, 
Alonzo intsrcppts him, gets knife first, chases staggeis back 
to platform, pricking him \dth point of knife. Staggers resumes 
position on platform) 

C3mthia -^ •^^V-^ '''^'JS 

Oh Arraandi You have pierced my heart i I ani stinged - 't/j^'^ 
stinged - I raaan stungi 

Jack 
Then produce th '- viper that has stvmg thee. Again- anc: again - 
I ask you for the first and only ti'-^, produce himi 

Cjnithia ' 
I haven't got him about ne novv, 

Alonzo 
IShiife you have be.n talking, your hated rival ha& made his es- 
cape. 

Jack 
Y.'hat, am I foiled! CursesI CursesI Tell then^ there's nothing 
left for me to do "xcept to br-ak up the furniture, (Turns) 
Ha! im±s. Sees Staggers) Y/hat is that? 

Alonzo 
A statue of mine. 

Jack 
What, and i'-ou have the hardi-hood t o acknowledge it? ^Shat 

is it? 

Alonzo 
It*s my idea of Julius Caesar, 

Jack 
Aren't you afraic of being haiinted by Caesar's ghost? 



4-E 

Alonzo * 

Sir! I am an artist! 

Jack 
I am another, i can handle a iralLet arici. chisel royaelf. Don't 
think 3^ou are the only on-r; ^ ho can hreak stonsc i could iin~ 
provf the expression of your Caesar. 

Alonzo 
I don,t "believe it. 

Jack 
I could by chipping off one half of its nose, I'll ■'bet you a 
quarter I can, 

Alonzo ' 

I don,t care to have any of w work raanglad. 

Jack 
"What's a little mangling now and th^i in ths caus- of art? 
1*11 het you a quarter, 

' Iraogf^ne 
Humor the T/ild man, 

Cynthia 
Yeo , huraor hini Eurior him - he's dang-rous. 

Alonzo ' 

(Si v/ell - (Asic.e) (To Cynthia) Don«t move v^h^.n h'~' chips j ou„ 
Ri^memh^r vie are saving j^our life] ((Jacpo picks up mallet 
and chisel) 

Jack 
Don,t he a pik':;rl I'll h et ^cv. a quarter I can improve it just 
loy chipping th-'noae an inch' That left e^-^ ought t o he gouged 
out an inch too. 

Al'onzo 
1*11 te t ;'ou a quarter, y^'^ cantt improve it ^vm if you 
gouge out both ei-g. 

Jack ' ^Ofit. 

I'll bet you a quart =^r, I can, ^ /?/r» 

Staggr^rs ' '^4A-vr^^ 

And I'll bet ;"ou a quarter a piece 3-0U domt. I eanj^±?e 

dealii, but not by inches, 'j'S 

Alonzo 
CoTiiEi-rd, you deser-ve your fate. 

Staggers 
Yes, I'm a co-ard, but have you ever seen a, co\ard fight? Just 
lijatch mel (Staggers hits JacJk; under the jav/, drops him. The 
wora-n scream, tre "Takes attack on Alonzo 'who runs wry, ixits 
R.' imogene screams and f oHo'^c Alonzo off i., C3''nthia exits L.) 
Hal (Goes over, kicka Jack) "tia.t 'em alive J ;^:at 'emalivej 
(Goes ever to demijohn, taker, long drink) pst- up. Ai-mand, 
Let's hafe another tound^: I'm a fighter, I araj (Take-; another 
drii k) 

^Jlth. Cynthia 

(Enters roTlling pin) Just have one vjith me. 

Staggers 
An th er dr ink , u r e I 

Cynthia 
No, anoth'r figit, 

Stargers 
Cynthia, please give me - ray pants ^ 

Cimthia / 

I Trill, you'll need them to go to pricon^ I'll teach you. to 
come into my house and ;-tart things, vcfi^ dare ^^ou ""-eat up ray 
little brother? 

Stagge rs 
Y/hat? Amand - ycnr li ttle broth er? 

J o/CxC * 



5*E 

Jack 
(Tates off disguise) yes, ^eaven help me, i am. 

Staggers 
/^hal 'So BosGO, your rigtit name is Sunco. Gi"^® ^^ back ray 
iaoneyi 

Cynth ia 
He has already gi-ven it to me^ Itts all in the family, (Wav- 
ing rolling pin) Do you w nt. it, ¥illie? 

Staggers 
Ho, thank you, i don't want anything, 

Imocsne 
(Enters \7ith Alonzo) Guardian J 

Staggers ' 

Don't "bother me , I am your guardian no more^ I resign. 

Alonzo 
Then you consent to me marrying Imogene? 

Staggers 
Taife her and go to — 

Cj'-nthia 
Willie » 

Staggers 
I mean-- take her and "be miserable « I hope yu'll kill one 
another, 

Imogen e ' 
Yife'll not -clo £X.y ~uGh thing, Alonzo is going tc live for me 
and his art* Some day he will produce a 04^ statue, 

Cynthia A^y/^ 

Yes, of la)berty„ "^^.^^Or 

Staggers ^^Jr^'^?*' 

Cynthia, I never -Jant to hnar the i-,ord li"-. erty a^^rf^^gfcf^ 
makes me think of jailo ■'^^ ^ 



U £1 T A ^ ^ 
TT ~r II II II II II 



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